by Elizabeth Gariti Whenever I complain about being single, my mother tells me to go to the 92nd St. Y. She doesn't even live in New York, but knows of the Y's long-standing reputation for bringing singles together. Through their lectures, concerts, classes and services, there are many ways to meet people at the Y, and in keeping with their mission to help people to develop life skills, they also offer a variety of “structured singles events” like Date Bait™, Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes and Speed Dating. To find out why the Y is so successful at getting people together, I decided to sample these three events. Date Bait™ It’s a Sunday night, and I’m sitting in the Warburg Lounge, a large room on 92nd St. Y’s ground floor. An equally divided group of over 50 men and women--artists, financiers, creative directors, doctors, singers, motivational speakers and hypnotists--are seated in a wide semi-circle with pinkish, SAT-type cards clutched in their hands. All wear numbers on their shirts. It’s Date Bait™ for Professionals, run by Raphael Risemberg who started the program 10 years ago to “find a boyfriend.” He still runs sessions for the gay/lesbian community in the Village and has been running “straight” Date Baits™ at the Y for eight-and-a-half years. The evening is broken into three parts: introductions, where everyone has a minute to speak about themselves in front of the group; 30 minutes of “structured mingling”, where people try to get to know those they were drawn to during the introductions; and then receiving the matches. During introductions, each participant stands up and announces his/her name and number (“Hi, I’m Sarah 056. . .”) and gives a one-minute rundown on life history, likes, dislikes--whatever will appeal to potential dates in the room. When someone is speaking, if you think you might like to date that person, you jot down his/her name and ID number. After everyone has finished speaking, the structured mingling begins. People are encouraged to spend 1-2 minutes talking to potential dates and others as well. One rule is that you can’t walk away from someone even if he/she isn’t someone you’re interested in. At the end of the mingling, you’re instructed to fill in the cards with the numbers of those you’d like to date. The cards are run through the Date Bait™ computer to determine the matches. Matches are determined if two people select each other, and you only know if someone is interested if there’s a match. This eliminates the embarrassing I-like-him-but-he-doesn’t-like-me scenario of many singles events. Date Bait is a numbers game. The more people you select, the more chance you have of people selecting you and ending up with a date. The typical match rate is 60%. It’s one of the most successful of the Y’s singles events, because there’s a statistically-proven better chance of meeting someone. And, the guesswork is removed. The Y hosts 4 Date Baits™ (http://www.92y.org/shop/category.asp?category=888Date+Bait888) per semester with many different themes: by age, for professionals or by a specific profession, and Jewish events. Another rule is if you get a match, you must go on at least one date. It could be simple like a half-hour for coffee, but there must be some follow-up. Date Bait™ is best for people who are good minglers and public speakers, confident in their instincts and first impressions or who are actively seeking a partner and use Date Bait™ as part of the mix. Many people have found relationships, some even marriage, with someone they’ve met at Date Bait™. One person I spoke with said he’d found a relationship through Date Bait™, and since he was successful once, he came back, hoping to be successful twice. Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes Usually a younger person’s purview, the Y’s Singles Programs offer something for everyone of all ages in varying speeds: slow, medium and fast. (Date Bait™ is fast.) Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes are structured as group discussions for people 40 and up. With topics ranging from philosophy, spirituality and sociological issues, the Tête-à-têtes give people a chance to get to know each other slowly, without the pressure of having to make a memorable first impression. As I arrive, this time to a much smaller room with a circle of about 40 chairs filled with an equal amount of men and women, moderator Peter Steiner hands me a sheet with two lists of phrases like, “where he/she lives”, “where I live”, his/her/my religion, occupation, income bracket, hobbies/pastimes, ethnicity, political preferences, etc. Tonight’s topic is First Impressions and Self Identity, and on the sheet you rank what’s of greatest interest to you when meeting someone for the first time and the strongest items in your own sense of identity. Steiner, a group facilitator and management consultant, gently and deftly leads the discussion, drawing people in and keeping it interesting by throwing out provocative suggestions (like asking for volunteers to hear group members’ first impressions of themselves) or honest and sometimes startling revelations about himself. Sparks flew as common interests and values were discovered. During one of the First Impression exercises, a man stating his ideas about a female volunteer said, “You like to travel. I say that, because I love to travel and I think traveling is a barometer of a person’s personality.” When the woman got to reveal whether people’s impressions of her were correct, she looked directly at the man and said, “I love to travel, but I hate to travel alone.” You could almost hear the rest of the group go, “O-ooh.” Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes are only in the second season so it’s undetermined how many romantic relationships have resulted. It’s offered as a subscription series, so participants can take the time to get to know someone more realistically. It is a singles group, and while group members are actively looking for partners, it’s also a good activity for someone who wants to find friends or participate in stimulating conversation. Speed Dating In spite of its name, Speed Dating is the medium-paced event. I had pictured an Orwellian environment with couples lined up across from each other in stiff-backed chairs firing rapid questions like: What do you do? What do you want? How old are you? Marriage/no marriage? Kids/no kids? Next! Boy, was I wrong. Set in the intimate environment of the Y’s Makor Center on the West Side, attractive couples sit in comfy chairs and on couches. There is a high volume of chatter in the room, laughter and lots of smiles. People genuinely seem to be enjoying themselves. Each couple has three minutes to get to know each other on their “date” before moving on to the next person. Three minutes may sound short, but it’s surprisingly long, especially when talking to strangers. Conversations are helped along by special “conversation starter” cards brought by moderator Ilana Eberson, hostess of Real Live People Party. The conversations seem surprisingly normal–not the staccato, militaristic exhanges I’d expected. Participants in this event also have a piece of paper. As they go through each date, they write down the name and number of the people they’d like to get to know better. At the end of the evening, they turn in their sheets and are sent their matches’ e-mail addresses. 50% of tonight’s group matched up. The 92nd St. Y has been hosting Singles events since 1961. Back then they took the form of dances and teas. Today, the Y’s program has a wide-reaching reputation with participants from as far as New Jersey and Westchester. The Y is re-branding its Singles program and integrating what they do best by including lectures, performances and physical fitness. Activities range from the athletic, like bowling and ice skating, outings like rafting, cycling and baseball games, and political forums with discussions afterwards. There will even be gay/lesbian events in the near future. The 92nd St. Y’s Singles program is successful because events are conducted in a warm, supportive environment with experienced moderators. Also, because of the Y’s unified mission, the programs bring together like-minded people. Many have found relationships and even marriage through these events. And, if they don’t meet someone the first time, people usually try again. Witness the happy face of a guy who, leaving Date Bait ™ with his match on his arm, says, “Oh, I’ll be back!” The calendar is constantly growing. Visit the 92nd Street Y website for more information, or call 212-415-5500 for updates and details. The next session of Date Bait™ is Nov. 12 at the Y, and Speed Dating is 10/18 at Makor. |
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