by Julie D. Andrews
Terri Sloane is a pro. For nine years, she's been introducing compatible, single men and women on the Upper East Side. She's got a database on her computer chock full of available singles and what she calls a Rolodex in her mind. And, her eyes are ever peeled, as she scopes out singles on the sidewalks, in line at coffee shops, or alone in synagogues who might match up nicely with her clients. In the age of Internet infatuation, where does old-fashioned matchmaking fare? It's booming, says Sloane.
Q: How does one become a matchmaker exactly?
A: I've always enjoyed introducing people and fixing them up. When my mother became a widower at age 47, I went on a search and found her a match. The two have now been married 27 years!
Q: How did this set-up hobby become a full-fledged career?
A: I was recommended to a business woman named Susan, an executive recruiter. She called and wanted to be introduced to a nice man. 'Let me give you five hundred dollars,' she said ... and that's how it started. I incorporated and have been a matchmaker and relationship coach ever since. It was a great way to put my degree in counseling from Hunter College to use.
Q: So how exactly does this work?
A: I do relationship/dating coaching, and transitional coaching for widows and divorcees. I teach social and dating skills. I may advise clients on how to dress for a date and even take them on a “dating” night to see how they interact in a social setting. As an image consultant, I might take them to a make-up artist or a hair colorist. I ask how long it's been since they last dated ... and if they know how to flirt. And, of course, I make introductions.
Q: How do you get the word out?
A: I don't advertise. I get clients through word-of-mouth referrals.
Q: Who are your clients?
A: They are ages 35 to 60, but typically in their 40s and 50s. They're upscale, degreed, professional. Many are divorced, or widowed, and have grown children.
Q: What makes a good match?
A: A good gut instinct! If two people share common core values, physiology, background, education then that's a good start. I make a lot of decisions based on instinct. There are a lot of intangibles. Past age 18, people look for more than just being initially drawn to that person. Personality is important, a sense of humor, intellect. And, I look at people's energy levels.
Q: So, when someone seeks your matchmaking help, what happens?
A: I start with a one-hour introduction. I have a questionnaire we go through. I have to be selective -- because I want the match to be successful for the person. I want this to work. The people that come to meet are looking for a serious match. They're not looking for a date. Typically, we'll have one to two meetings. Then, I introduce clients to other clients and non-clients.
Q: Why do people need help linking up -- is it harder meeting people after a certain age?
A: Yes. It's hard to meet someone after college. There's more opportunity when you're in school. After that, there's opportunity in the business environment.
Q: How do you help them?
A: I advise them to draft a social plan. If someone is serious about meeting someone, I tell him or her to put as much energy into it as they put into a career. They should plan social events by interests, and meet people who share common interests that way. So, I introduce people ... but I also teach them how to meet people on their own. I ask them: What other things can you be doing to meet more people? I'm not just a matchmaker, I'm a relationship coach who can empower people to be their best social selves. As people get older it may be harder. First, they get divorced, then friends fix them up and that fades. Next, they try the web. When that fails, they come to me.
Q: How do you find the matches?
A: I have a client now who is 24 years old. For her, I ask friends who have kids about their sons and his friends. When I go to synagogue and I see someone alone, I will go over and meet him or her.
Q: What makes a good match?
A: Common interests. The intellect should be compatible. Then, there's that magical thing called chemistry. That's the glue that holds it all together. And, you have to be friends. Baby Boomers are looking for friendship. They've gone through enough. They know a relationship won't work without it. Friendship + Chemistry = Match. I can just tell when two people will click.
Q: What are some of the matches you've made?
A: Four years ago, an attorney in her mid-50s needed a date to her daughter's wedding. She hadn't dated in a long time and didn't know what to do. She didn't want to spend the money at first, but later agreed to give it a shot. She was a bit perky. He was kind-of serious. In the end, she not only had a date, but she now has a husband. In another case, I knew this man who would be a perfect match for a client of mine. For five months, I kept calling him. ' I know I have the right girl for you, I'll buy the drink, you just have to agree to meet her.' He finally did. One year later, they're still together.
Q: So, you have this running list of available singles in your mind?
A: Yes, there's sort of a Rolodex in my mind. And, a database on my computer. I am always thinking.
Q: What are men looking for?
A: Men always want to know what she looks like, and how old she is. But sometimes, I might say to a male client 'I really think you should meet her,” without telling him her age. I mean look at Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn – these women look great!
Q: And the women, what are they looking for?
A: Women tend to be more flexible and open-minded. They know that sometimes chemistry can grow. She may open the door and not find him instantly attractive, but he's so charming that his persona pulls her in.
Q: How does matchmaking differ from Match.com or other online dating sites?
A: I never show pictures. I describe the person I want to introduce my client to. It's more personal.
Q: What's happened to your clientèle as online dating skyrocketed?
A: It's made my business better! I screen everyone and work with people who are looking to connect the old-fashioned way, with respect and dignity. Online, you don't know what's truthful and what's not.
Q: When people call a matchmaker, what are they looking for?
A: They're looking for a social consultant, someone who can make a proper introduction. It's a very nice way to meet people. Online, there are too many choices. It can get confusing.
Q: What the toughest thing about your job?
A: I can't make any guarantees. I can only be the best I can be. And, whenever there's an exchange of money, if a client is not able to find someone then he or she is not happy. If someone has unrealistic expectations, how can I fulfill that? I tell them they're better off going online.
Q: What's best about your gig?
A: It's never just about matchmaking. I can help someone look better and feel better. Image consulting is part of it. I may take a guy to get a pair of jeans and a navy blazer or advise him to replace his outdated goggle glasses with a new stylish pair. I give a lot of time. This is about the whole package.
Q: How long does it take for your clients to find a match through you?
A: Six months to a year. Some sign up for a year. Others want to find a match more quickly – within three to six months.
Q: Can you share a few of your top dating tips?
A: Go with a good attitude, meet in a public place, and be in the moment. Something great could happen – even if it's not a romantic match. You could make a new business connection, or your date could have a friend who's a match, or maybe you have a new friend to see a movie or museum with on a Saturday. Put on a smile. Get yourself psyched. Decide going in to have a good time. All is possible.
Q: Any other secrets?
A: Ask everyone you know, in a nice way, to introduce you to singles they know. You never know where a match is going to come from.
Q: What dating snafu should singles on the dating scene avoid?
A: Do not instantly ask: 'Is this person the one?' No way. Ask instead: 'Is he the one I can enjoy myself with tonight?'
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